-by Gretchen Humphries and Gloria Lemay
Cat: birth where you feel comfortable- if that's in the lap of someone you love, go for it, if you prefer the back of a dark closet, that's good too. A drawer full of old wool sweaters is paradise. Don't be afraid to get up and leave and don't be afraid to move your baby if it isn't safe anymore.
Dog: if it doesn't feel safe, don't do it. As nice as you might be normally, it's ok to be a real bitch when your baby is involved.
Cow: head first, butt first, feet first, two at a time, babies come out. If it's your first calf, you'll probably be pregnant longer than the other cows but that's normal.
Giraffes: all newborns are designed to work with the Mom's body. In this case, a fall of seven feet to the dusty earth is just part of the usual birth experience.
Llama: sing to your newborn.
Horse: the middle of the night is a good time to have a baby, but a watched uterus doesn't contract. Hard hooves and fast legs are a good protection against meddling humans.
Elephants: have the other females in your matriarchal lineage form a circle around you with their bums pointing toward you and their trunks facing out to the plain so you can give birth to something very large without having to worry about lions.
Dolphins and whales: being in water is useful to keep the helpful humans away. Your midwife dolphins and whales should gently nudge the baby to the surface once its cord has snapped. The cold water will stop the bleeding. If your baby is to survive, it must drink your colostrum.
Monkeys and apes: watching other mothers birth, feed and raise their babies is the best way to learn how to take care of your own. Privacy is everything. Leaving the placenta dangling off the newborn for days is perfectly all right. Grandmothers are the most ferocious protectors of the mothers and newborns.
But hey... we are more advanced than animals, so obviously we can rise above our limitations and birth unnaturally...
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