Hello Readers, once again, its been a long time, running three blogs, one will eventually get neglected..
My last post, I shared I was expecting.. Sadly, at 13weeks pregnant, I found out our baby had died. I went about a week after finding out before my body went into labor. I delivered her in our home after 3 hours of hard labor, I couldn't believe that I had to go through that and not have a reward afterwards.. We had a funeral two days later.. We aren't sure what happened, two theories are that it was the placenta, beginning to deteriorate or a chromosome deficiency. But we'll never know.. We knew it was a girl, and as my husband and I held her afterwards the resounding knowledge came to us..
Hanna Daveney J. was born at 8:01pm on June 23, 2012
My Sweet baby girl, I hope heaven is everything I imagine it is.. I wish you could have stayed with us, and not left.. But you had to go.. My heart is in pieces, but I'm staying strong.. People don't understand, so I won't be the weak one.. My whole body aches for you, I will not get to have the joys of parenthood in this life with you.. I will never see you learn to walk, or talk, Your first tooth, how you are with your older siblings.. Would you have had brown hair like your sister or blonde like your brother? Would you have green eyes or brown? Would you be quiet or crazy? I have a million questions and no answers.. I dreamt a thousand dreams of what having you would be life, a third baby, a miracle in your own right. I hope one day I'll be able to have my answers, and I hope to find the purpose behind this. Loosing you has been the hardest thing our family has ever gone through.. I never thought I'd have to feel this kind of pain.. Hold your little body in my hands and feel my heart shatter..
I love you Hanna. ~love mommy.
For our precious angel we did a few special things.. She was buried in my hometown in Oregon, by my Grandma's home. For the Month of June, the tree is an Apple Tree (from june 1st- 23rd is apple, oddly 24th-30th is a Fig tree) So my Grandma bought a beautiful mature apple tree and we buried her beneath it.. As "Her Tree" also for June, a Pearl, and roses. We wrapped her in a white cloth, and we got pearl ear rings, and used one to pin the cloth together around her, and the other I am wearing. So its something physical to have.. And inside her tiny casket, we placed a rose, and a letter my husband and I wrote. With a family picture. We only had family present, it felt like a tiny bit of closer to bury her, but the pain is so very raw I really have nothing I can think about.. I am taking lots of herbs to help keep me happy, they work, I don't meltdown 50x's a day.. I just move through life..
But like they say, it can't rain forever...
This was the poem my husband read at Hanna's funeral.